3rd October

Dear Brownie,

I wonder what your first thought was when I told you that I am writing letters to you online, about us, for the whole world to see?  I’m sure that there was some anxiety mixed in with the bewilderment, are you asking yourself – ‘but why?’

I like having a blog, I like writing and I enjoy spending a bit of time in the evening downloading my thoughts for the whole world to see.  The only person that I really need to understand what’s going on in my head is you – so I’m combining both of these ideas and writing online letters to you! I’m thinking of it as an online journal, written with you in mind.  What do you think of that I wonder?  This may be the shortest lived blog in history…

The first thing that I am going to say to you, something I don’t say anywhere near enough is ‘thank you.’ The first eleven years we were together could never have prepared us for what we have been through together in the last year – and without your support I never could have got through it! (if there is anyone reading this and wondering ‘what is she on about?’ Brownie and I are currently supporting a daughter with a life threatening mental illness)   

Depression really snuck up on me.  Although it wasn’t completely unexpected that it would take hold of me I still didn’t really see it coming, or recognise it for what it was when it hit.  I’ve felt ‘bad’ or ‘low’ before, but depression is something else entirely, debilitating so that everything I do to appear ‘normal’ is a challenge, it’s exhausting.  I feel selfish for feeling the way I do, like with everything that is happening how dare I be the one that falls into a hole.  I try hard not to show how low I feel because I don’t want you or the kids burdened by my feelings…which is why it doesn’t really make sense when I say that I would love it if you talked to me more about how I am feeling.  I know talking about feelings isn’t your strong point but sometimes I need to, and when I need you it’s usually when I’m not able to ask for help.  I wonder if that even makes sense?

I wonder if you see that I am starting to feel better, like that heavy cloud is lifting.  This worries me too, there are still lots of thoughts and feelings floating around that I don’t really get, I will keep going to therapy for a while and try to get things sorted.  To be honest though the hardest thing about feeling better is that I don’t really understand this illness and I worry about how long I will feel better for – I don’t want to go back to being completely overwhelmed  again.

Well, I guess I’d better go and get ready for the trip.  I’m looking forward to spending a few days away with the kids, but will miss you while I’m gone.  That was a pretty heavy first entry for my blog, what do you think?  Are you going to be ok with this?  Are you going to read it?  Will is be helpful for you to see what’s going on inside my head?

I love you,

Me  x